Our Breastfeeding Journey

What they don’t tell you about breastfeeding!
It’s fucking hard. It’s no walk in the park.

Nobody tells you just how painful breastfeeding is. You see all these pictures of moms nursing their babies smiling and happy as can be. The truth is those pictures could be in the beginning days were mom is still running on adrenaline and the high of having a precious newborn, or they are the one in a few that have a pleasant experience.

People don’t talk about the multiple times in a day you need to nurse and then still pump or engorged boobs, mastitis, and how much it hurts, that it makes you feel like you have the flu with chills and fever or clogged ducts or how much goes into it. How you’re tied to this pump bag that you have a love-hate relationship with because you know you’re tied to it for the next 20-30 minutes or longer, until your boobs feel soft again.

As you walk through the floors in your house and the light hits just right, you see the dried up dribbles left behind from your boobs leaking, and all you can think is well, that was probably a half an ounce there just on the floor. Not to mention those plastic uncomfortable “milk savor” packets you can put in your bra to save every drop of milk, no way no thank you, I’ll be over here wringing out my shirt.

The emotional thoughts in your mind can I continue this? I know it’s the best thing for my baby, but can I emotionally continue this? Long nights made even longer, days filled with “oh shoot, I need to go pump” all the while you want your baby to be fed and happy. You contemplate, do I stop now and start supplementing with formula, or do I power through. Everyone says it gets better, but when, when does it get better?

The physical pain, your nipples feel like the desert, and no amount of creams, ointments or other remedies fix it, your boobs are sore and hard they hurt and wake you up. Not to mention you soak through every single shirt or bra you wear. No amount of booby pads can make it comfortable since those get so drenched within a couple of hours they aren’t even comfortable anymore. Wearing a bra sucks and not to mention HOT. The tingling and sharp pulling pain in your nipples that go away in do time, but not always or the itchiness that makes you want to claw the shit out of them, but as you do that they hurt. Your nipples are always damp, which makes them feel nasty and also enables them from healing unless your able to go topless all day. The smell from being wet all the time. if you know you know.

So, I’ve decided after a long debate in my mind and back and forth to begin weaning Finley off my breast-milk aside from having to decide to use the vacuum during delivery this is the single most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make in my whole life. I’m heartbroken, but yet I’m relieved. It brings me to tears thinking about her not nursing or getting nutrients from me any longer watching the little scrunchy face she makes when she latches. Her sweet little gulping sounds with her eyes looking up at me while we share an unbreakable bond. Something I’ve dreamed of for as long as I can remember. I’m thankful I have been able to do it as long as I have. I know she will still be healthy and happy on formula, but I cannot help but feel selfish and guilty for stopping something so good for her when it’s all because I selfishly cannot take the pain and the constant having to pump any longer.

Our breastfeeding journey through pictures!

If you missed Finley’s 5 Week post here you go. 5 Weeks of Finley Enjoy!

One thought on “Our Breastfeeding Journey

  1. O sweet Jennifer. You really took me back with this one! Time really does make you forget…that you remember.
    Reading this description of your breastfeeding experience brought back so many memories. I experienced so much of what you described. I am sure I could have been a wet nurse. I produced so much milk! I felt like a freaking dairy cow. In the morning I would put my hands over my nipples, walk into the bathroom, and shirtless, lean over the sink, take my hands away and my boobs, like overfilled balloons, would just spray out milk for like 30-40 seconds. The relief of that was indescribable! I could never find pads that worked so I’d literally end up stuffing folded baby blankets in my bra. Of course you can’t really do that in public so I rarely went out. If I even heard another person’s baby cry my milk would let down. No stopping it! Basically I stayed soaking wet, stinky and sticky. Eventually I moved to formula and the earth didn’t shift on its axis. I was much more able to be the joyful, loving mother my children needed. Parenting is hard. In my opinion it’s best to alwsys put your own oxygen mask on first. Then you’re alive and able to save everyone else. ✌💗


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